Yes I know, I know. I’m clutching at straws here. The incoming Tory administration will be so disappointing that some of us – me, for example – are already christening it The Great Disappointment (TM).
Cameron’s sell-out on Europe was, of course, the final nail in the coffin. As I’m sure I must have said before – not that you don’t know anyway – a Tory government within a Socialist superstate is a contradiction in terms. Until some Conservative firebrand has the balls to acknowledge this and, more to the point, take over the party leadership, I see no real future for Britain other than a Heathite managed decline.
But there’s so much other nonsense we’re going to have to put up with too: Hundreds of overpromoted women (“Cameron’s Cuties” – eeek! Run away! Run away!) proving themselves every bit as not-up-to-the-job (or indeed the flattering nickname) as Blair’s Babes. An instinctively left-liberal Justice Minister failing to reform the Human Rights Act because he secretly quite sympathises with it (see Joshua Rozenberg in Standpoint). No sense whatsoever on “Climate Change”, nor any semblance of a non-lunatic Energy Policy. Etc.
Don’t worry, though, it’s not all bad. There’s Michael Gove’s education reforms. And, er….
No just teasing. Having racked my brain really hard I’ve now managed to find ten more brilliant reasons why it won’t be so bad if the Tories win the next election.
1. The Head of the Charity Commission will be out of a job.
2. “Dame” “Suzi” “Leather” will be fired.
3. No more will the taxpayer be shovelling £80,000 a year (for a three day week) into the bulging handbag of “Dame” “Suzi” “Leather”
4. “Dame” “Suzi” “Leather” will no longer be mockingly known as the “Quango Queen” because she won’t be Queen of any Quango.
5. St Mary’s Calne educated “Dame” “Suzi” “Leather” will no longer be able to vent her class-war, Socialist spleen on innocent private schools.
6. “Dame” “Suzi” “Leather” will have £80,000 a year less to spend privately educating her kids.
7. “Dame” “Suzi” “Leather” will have to throw away all her business cards saying “Dame Suzi Leather; Head; Charity Commission.”
8. “Dame” “Suzi” “Leather” will no longer be able to claim perks (travel to London from Exeter, accommodation, etc) which amounted last year to £25,403, just three thousand a year less than it costs annually to put a gel through her alma mater, St Mary’s Calne.
9. Within a few months everyone will have forgotten who “Dame” “Suzi” “Leather” is because she will no longer be in a position to be incredibly annoying and make people’s lives misery.
10. Er. Sorry. I can’t think of any more reasons to vote Conservative. Unless, perhaps, they promise also to disband the Independent Safeguarding Authority and send its chairman Sir Roger Singleton down the salt mines, chained to a work party which also includes Ed Balls, George Monbiot, the Hon Sir Jonathan “Badger Bum” Porritt, and of course the former “Dame” “Suzi” “Leather”. Mind you if they did promise it I’ll bet you anything you like it would never happen. They’re quite slippery that way, Cameron’s Tories.