Cameron to appoint new Personal Hygiene Czar

Concern about declining standards of personal hygiene have inspired David Cameron’s Coalition government to appoint a Personal Hygiene and Cleanliness Supervisor who will advise Britons on how to get the most out of their Personal Hygiene and Cleanliness routines, especially when they use the loo.

“One of the problems associated with toilet use is that people tend to consider it a private moment in their lives in which the government has no business whatsoever,” said the Prime Minister, yesterday, proudly deploying the word “toilet” lest anyone imagine he had been expensively-educated. “But we intend to change that. Without proper government scrutiny, we cannot be at all sure that people are wiping their bottoms properly or not dribbling on the seat or remembering to pull up their flies. The social consequences of this could be horrendous, especially in theā€¦

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